[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
me opening up to someone
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods