Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!