just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
23. the denim jacket
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there