What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.