If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
i actually laughed 😩
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I am patiently waiting for your email
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?