I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
i wish i could marry a nap
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.