What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
2022 be like
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.