*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”