“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Am I having a stroke?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.