It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.