Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Only a mother’s love …
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly