Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Breaking news:
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus