At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
You Might Also Like
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If you need a laugh.. 😅
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!