My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
You Might Also Like
bury ourselves
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉