whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.