Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs