please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first