*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared