Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito