I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
How animals would run if they were human
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.