Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.