a public service announcement
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Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.