A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
The Friday File.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.