Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
We like the way Dwight thinks
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Lmao the reply
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit