My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!