Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.