Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*