Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
want me to check your oil?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
it must be school picture day
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly