i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.