Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV