accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.