and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
What the hell happened in there??
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.