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Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Remember folks 😂
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.