I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The struggle is real
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.