When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Breaking news:
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.