me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.