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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I cannot call her anything else now
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.