Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.