INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Bringing home a sharpie
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”