*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
These are my roll models.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.