“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.