*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.