Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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Duolingo getting serious.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
brian had himself a morning…
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.