My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me buying fruit and veg
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
what day is it?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i really liked this one
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart