My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans