REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Why you watching this shit?”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft