Buying a well is money well spent.
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?