Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Customize Your Wedding.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB