What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.