Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
You Might Also Like
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!